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A shallow accompaniment to the music being heard? His lyrics can be viewed and felt from a hundred different angles. They are funny, disturbing, sexy and deep all at once. September 7, Exclaim! Five years on from the release of Blackie and the Rodeo Kings' collaborative Kings and Queens release, the roots rock group have announced a companion LP. While the project last delivered South in , Kings and Kings is the spiritual successor to Kings and Queens, which found Blackie and the Rodeo Kings working with vocalists including Roseanne Cash and Lucinda Williams.

As a press release explains, this time around the band's Tom Wilson, Colin Linden and Stephen Fearing reached out to their "best 'guy' friends from the world of roots, blues, and country" to help put together some new tunes. You'll get the full breakdown on the LP below, where you'll also find a stream of the set's Wilson-led, City and Colour-assisted "Beautiful Scars. Live By The Song ft. Rodney Crowell. Bury My Heart ft. Eric Church. Beautiful Scars ft. City and Colour. High Wire ft. Raul Malo.

Playing By Heart ft. Buddy Miller.

Bitter and Low ft. Fantastic Negrito. Secret of a Long Lasting Love ft. Nick Lowe. A Woman Gets More Beautiful ft. Bruce Cockburn. Land of The Living Hamilton Ontario ft. Jason Isbell. Long Walk To Freedom ft. Keb Mo. This Lonesome Feeling ft. Vince Gill. Where The River Rolls ft. The Men of Nashville. August 17, The Town Courier. The substance was transmitted in more than one way.

The station served as a conduit for all the thriving retail businesses that sprung up around the culture. Woodward High School student was fortunate enough to have a summer job there. At Montgomery College the following year, Schlossberg was among 16 students who started the campus radio station. A flashbulb went off. Schlossberg is president and owner of Media Central, the global crewing, production and post-production services broker-agent company he founded on Aug. Despite his successful businesses and concomitant media industry contacts, Schlossberg had never done a documentary before.

With two-thirds of the filming completed, Schlossberg expects the editing process to begin in September with a rough cut by the end of the year. Photo: Courtesy of Jay Schlossberg. Bruce wih Jay at the City Winery. Bruce appears in the trailer and in the film.

August 13, Digital Journal. She has been nominated for the coveted "Female Vocalist of the Year" award by the International Bluegrass Music Association IBMA , an award that she has won three times throughout her career in the music industry. In this collection, produced by Compass Records co-founder Alison Brown, Lynch pays homage to her favorite Canadian songwriters on a set of bluegrass and new acoustic tracks.

After her recent marriage to a Canadian, she selected songs that were penned by Canadian songwriters such as Gordon Lightfoot "Worth Believing" and Ron Sexsmith, and hence, she found the inspiration for this project. The tracks are just wonderful," she said. Several acclaimed musicians who lent their talents on this project include Bela Fleck on banjo, Jerry Douglas on dobro, Stuart Duncan on fiddle, and David Grier on acoustic guitar. August 11, Vancouver 24 Hours. BC: It depends on where you start counting.

I kind of date my professional career from the beginning of , which makes it 50 years and 31 albums officially but some of them are compilations. How did that come about? BC: The bands I was in were rock bands and they varied stylistically. I was in a couple of other bands and then I went to Toronto and joined the band that was originally called The Flying Circus and then became Olivus.

We had all of those elements in there and I injected as much psychedelia as I had the chops to pull off I guess, as the rest of them were willing to accommodate. Actually we got reviewed in a Montreal paper and the guy said that if it had been anybody other than Hendrix and Soft Machine that we were opening for we would have ended up stealing the evening; which I think is a measure of how much that guy smoked laughs. We opened for Wilson Pickett in Toronto and the audience was not into our kind of music at all; two songs in their yelling at us and shaking their fists.

That was a short set. BC: When I dropped out of Berklee School of Music and joined that first band, I had no idea what I wanted to do or what my direction was supposed to be. So I joined this band and I started writing songs in earnest at that point. By the end of the sixties I had a little body of songs that I liked better when I played them alone than with any of the bands that I had been in. The songs were the product of trying to write for each of the different bands so there was quite a wide variety but the ones I liked best just sounded best when I just played them.

I went solo and initially just played little gigs in little clubs and it kind of expanded from there. Back in the day one needed to be signed to a label and the record label needed to get radio play. What do you think of the way the business is today? It took awhile for there to be enough momentum in the Canadian scene; it took the CRTC regulations in fact to get the business going to push radio to play Canadian stuff and it worked.

For me it was all about the songs about living a life that would allow me to find fodder for the songs in a way. Luckily I hooked up with Bernie Finkelstein and he did want to play that game so it kind of worked out because he was very good at that and is still and I was able to offer him enough ammunition that he could play the game well. In other words; like getting paid. Not every record wants to be made in a bedroom. Sometimes you want to make it in a good studio; sometimes you want to have an orchestra or horn players or something and where do they come from?

Somebody has to pay for that and traditionally it was paid for by record companies who then got their money back from selling the records to the public. That only works for a very few people now. The audience is being deprived of a great variety of stuff that they might like. I feel for people starting out. I remember when the coffee house era ended, suddenly there was an absolute sense of rooms in which people really listened to the music. Has that ever inhibited perhaps some of the access to your music whereas the content might steer someone away because it was considered too political?

July 15, The Star. The dam over Almonte's troubled waters by Linda Manzer. Citizens of a picturesque town outside of Ottawa lament the expansion of a hydro dam they claim will ruin a pice of paradise. Picture a lovely, quiet town surrounded by old stone mills that have scarcely changed in a hundred years. The main street is full of charming shops selling local crafts and restaurants that attract interesting visitors — including recently Justin Trudeau and family. Right through the heart of town runs a magical river with cascading waterfalls.

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This is Almonte, a town of 5, people about 50 km southwest of Ottawa, recently voted one of the 10 most charming towns in Canada by Expedia travel site. Yet right in the centre of this enchanted river, a company called Enerdu Power Systems wants to add a massive new powerhouse to a small existing generating station, blasting the riverbed to increase water flow and installing a dam over top of the cascades.

Although the town of Almonte has fought this dam tooth and nail for years, its construction is due to start this week. Along with several dozen other Almonte residents, I protested this dam last week by wading into the river. We stretched across it in a line, holding hands, desperately hoping for publicity to attract the attention of someone with power to stop the company at the final hour. We started a petition to Catherine McKenna, federal minister of the environment, which includes signatures from singers Bruce Cockburn and Paul Simon, as well as cartoonist Gary Larson.

This is truly a David versus Goliath story. The town of Almonte has never wanted this project and has been fighting for more than four years to stop it. Jeff Cavanagh, owner of Enerdu, is determined and has ample resources. Yes, his dam will generate electricity. But, actually, no new energy will be added to the overall grid because the Appleton dam just upstream will lose whatever power it gains due to changing water levels, according to a report by the Mississippi Valley Field Naturalists. Cavanagh also says his project will create jobs, which is true.

Once the project is done, there will be, at most, a few employees. Something is wrong here. There is an endangered dragonfly making its habitat at the exact location Cavanagh wants to dynamite to build his power plant. The MNR is mandated to facilitate renewable energy but it is also tasked with implementing the Endangered Species Act.

Given that there is another power plant upstream that can easily handle increased capacity, the answer should be clear. The MNR insists the dragonfly does not make its habitat here, even though there have been documented sightings of the dragonfly in areas impacted by this project. We believe the entire Environmental Assessment conducted by provincial authorities on this Enerdu project was based on insufficient and outdated facts.

Does the government of Ontario serve the people of Ontario or Jeff Cavanagh? There is so much wrong with this project, which will forever mar the beauty of Almonte with unsightly fences, safety notices, warning systems and restricting buoys. A river that was once teeming with life and the jewel of our town will be harnessed like a wild animal in a cage. I stood beside the river last week with a native elder and asked him if this would have been a sacred place. Linda Manzer is a guitar maker living in Almonte. Photo: Emma Jackson.

July 13, The CBC. Bruce Cockburn still kicking at the darkness at 71 Canadian guitarist talks politics and free jazz ahead of headlining Vancouver Folk Music Festival. A legend in the Canadian music world, Ottawa-born Bruce Cockburn has made his home in San Francisco for the last seven years — but he wears his status as a foreigner with pride. I'm very proud of being called a resident alien. Any kind of alien, actually. Over his more-than-four-decades-long career, Cockburn has become known for his political songwriting.

But even if he could vote, Cockburn is not particularly excited by any of the options currently available to Americans. But you know, globally, nationally, not much is being done to address very, very big issues. Music critics are also often quick to pick up on themes of faith in Cockburn's songwriting, but for him, it's not the most apt description. It's really about finding out what that relationship [with God] is supposed to be and how to actually make it go, how to hold up my end of it.

For much of his life, Cockburn identified as a Christian. But over time, he grew less comfortable with it, for a variety of reasons — "some personal, some social. Lately he finds himself coming back around to religion. Is it a product of the year-old's age? He figures it probably is, in some part. Cockburn is an accomplished guitarist who has dabbled in numerous genres, but the one genre he's never been able to tackle?

Free jazz. July 6, The Ottawa Citizen. But Bill Hawkins defies the one anecdote rule. Bill Hawkins defied many of the rules, often to his personal and professional detriment. First and foremost, Hawkins considered himself a poet — he WAS a poet, with several books and some fame to his name, and who early in his career was the opening act with Leonard Cohen for a poetry road show starring Irving Layton. And then there was Bill Hawkins the reluctant musician who could find his way up and down a guitar fret board, had a decent voice, but disliked being on stage.

Sneezy Waters recalls a poet who was reluctant to become a songwriter — or perhaps writing songs had never occurred to him. Bruce and Sandy Crawley wrote some, but most of us did covers. And so it was that the poet became a songwriter. Many of us had wonderful relationships with him.

And I had been studying the beat writers in high school and I equated Bill with the great beat poets. I held him in great esteem. It looked good on him. Both Wiffen and Hawkins shared a notoriety for alcohol and drug abuse that too often pulled them into dark abysses. He became my best friend — a dear and caring best friend. It was his friend and fellow musician Sandy Crawley who came up with the ringmaster epithet.

In fact, he insulted most people, important or not, more or less on principle. A few exceptions earned his respect — artists of one kind or another who were his close friends. He returned six or seven months later with no money and one poem. William Alfred Hawkins died July 4 of cancer. He was He is survived by his adult children Andries, Jennifer and Cassandra.

A future public event is being talked about. July 5, The Ottawa Citizen. Local music legend Bill Hawkins dead at 76 by Norman Provencher. Bill Hawkins was a songwriter, poet, musician and journalist. Below is part of that interview. Bill Hawkins was once a pretty big fish in this small-ish pond. There are those who were around at the time who insist to this day that, with a break or two and maybe a little more discipline, Hawkins could have been a bigger fish in a bigger pond. As sometimes happens, the pleasures eventually became liabilities, and then just plain dangerous, and life can drift away from you.

Unlike some less fortunate victims of the times, Hawkins was strong enough and had enough friends to come out the other side. For some, a nice, fairly comfortable job as a cab-driver is a lot more attractive and healthy sounding occupation than trying to push your luck in the music business snake pit. It kept the temptations away. But, anyway, the past is done with, for better or worse. He grew up mostly around Ottawa, near Hopewell Avenue School. She read everything, she had this broad, exciting imagination and she made me see the world of books and writing. Jenny Louisa Lockyear gave him a love of writing, but Hawkins says the Canadian Press news agency, which he joined at the age of 17, taught him the basics of writing.

The book was a minor phenomenon in Bytown literary circles, such as there might have been at the time. More important, it caught the attention of Harvey Glatt, then and now something of a godfather for the Ottawa music scene. Glatt, now chairman of radio station CHEZ-FM, was then the owner of the Treble Clef chain of music stores and he encouraged Hawkins to keep writing, offering him a job selling records in the downtown Treble Clef store.

Around this time, the memories start to get fuzzy. Later, folk-blues singer David Wiffen joined the group. The characters and personalities just seemed to float together until they gained critical mass. Hawkins urged Cockburn to write lyrics, Cockburn urged Hawkins to write music. It was, I hate the way this sounds now, a sharing period and we came together as mostly equal partners. In a way, there were just too many talented people for The Children to remain together as a band.

In another way, though, Hawkins says he feels responsible, as the oldest member of the band, for not being able to keep the group together. But I was slipping badly, drinking way too much, partying too much. Hawkins still had some personal control and he formed the band Occasional Flash, which included the late Colleen Peterson and Cockburn and which performed before the Queen and 50, others at Lansdowne Park for Centennial year. He and his crowd were the centre of attraction in Ottawa and not only did they have party friends in the community, visiting performers looked to Hawkins and the bunch to show them the sights.

I remember going up to Wakefield then a major centre of pharmaceutical distribution with Wiffen, Jerry Jeff Walker and insane Cajun fiddler Doug Kershaw. We got into more trouble in six hours than most people could get into in six years. By , even Hawkins realized things were out of control and he came up with the idea of travelling to Mexico to get his life together.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. In hindsight, it was stupid. A guy like me was not going to get healthy there. The memories are also unclear as to how he ended up at the Donwood rehab centre in Twenty-eight days later he was certified clean and sober and was faced with a choice. So, he got behind the wheel of a Blue Line taxi. Which brings us to the Elgin Street Diner on a Sunday morning in There was a divorce from Sheila Frances Louise, although Hawkins says they remain good friends and the three kids grew up and left home.

That started to turn around a couple of years ago when he stopped smoking cigarettes. He started fooling around on guitar again and found himself invited to a workshop at the Folk Festival with the late Colleen Peterson. Surprising himself as much as anyone, he found himself enjoying performing a couple of songs on stage. I was terrified, but what a rush. He picked up the pace a little bit and, on a vacation to visit his son in B. Oddly, in this age when year-olds in garage bands have CDs, neither Hawkins songs nor The Children as a band ever officially recorded their own material, so Hawkins and producer Victor Nesrallah had lots of fresh material to work with.

What surprises many listeners hearing the per-cent-finished tape for the first time is how current most of the material is, despite having been written 30 and more years ago. I want to concentrate on the universities and the folk circuit and the festivals. I just want to get this together and make a few bucks.

The photo of Bill was taken in April 18, Exclaim! The 10th concert in the "Songbook" series will run for two evenings on May 13 and 14 at the Harbourfront Centre in Toronto. The sets will hear Workman and Burashko's group of musicians performing original arrangements of Cockburn's most famous protest songs. In a time where protest is stifled and muted, I thought it might be good to revisit his music. March 24, The Golden Star. Usher had worked with the Canadian folk icon on his release In the Falling Dark and toured across Canada with him on the subsequent tour.

The idea to document the cross country tour with Cockburn seemed like a winner, and Usher took his idea to CBC, having produced documentaries for them previously. I have this idea that I could do an on the road back stage documentary, are you interested? The producer was interested, and Usher proceeded to round up all of the five inch reels of tape that he could before hitting the road for the tour.

Film and radio was a different animal back then. The days of digital recording were but a pipe dream, making production a lengthy, time-intensive process compared to contemporary standards. After splicing and editing reel upon reel of tape, Usher submitted his work to CBC and his documentary aired in September of The doc remained mostly dormant in recent years.

When the Kicking Horse Culture Director gave it a listen this year, he was pleased to hear how it sounded nearly forty years after the fact. March 1, The Brock Press. Concert Review - St. On February 24, the sold-out crowd of people were treated to a spectacular show by humanitarian, 13 time Juno winner, and Order of Canada Officer, Bruce Cockburn. Cockburn shuffled onstage to emphatic applause, while he flashed a smile and thanked the audience. The clear sounds floated by and then disappeared with no hint of feedback or echo.

The second set was as immaculate as the first, transporting the audience to different places as he transferred from song to song.

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The atmospheric songs moved the audience to a small island off the coast of Morocco, on a beach, with nothing but the whole universe in the sky to look at, and together with Cockburn the meaning of the songs was discovered. The end of the second set was greeted with hooting and hollering as the previously quiet audience had finally found their voice and appreciation for the Canadian Legend. After the show, Bruce came into the lobby and greeted a crowd of fans with a smile and a glass of red wine as he shared more stories and signed autographs.

It was truly a special show and Bruce Cockburn continues to prove that even at 70, he is still a virtuoso on guitar and an example of vocal prowess. February 22, The Globe and Mail. Musicians Bruce Cockburn and Hawksley Workman on artistic legacy. Upon reading the book, it occurred to the Cockburn enthusiast and fellow Juno-winning musician Hawksley Workman that there was too much rumour and not enough glory affixed to the standing of Cockburn.

The two artists spoke to each other recently by phone, about credit due, MTV and roads worth taking. Is that fair to say? Do you feel that? But under the surface, I recognize I have an ego like everybody else. I want to be noticed. In the beginning, I was defensive about that. But then I found that I had acquired an image of somebody who was trying not to have an image. But your compulsion to do or to go or to be seems to eclipse that of somebody who might stroke their chin and think about what move might make them cool.

You can make choices, and people might see you as being cool or as a jerk. I got called names for supporting the Sandinistas. In some cases I went around looking for the opportunity, like the first trip to Central America. I tried to make that happen, and had given up on it, before it actually did happen.

Once I did that, I got invitations to all sorts of interesting places. And it seemed morally appropriate as well. You were doing things that were as punk rock or as rebellious as you could at the time. Did you understand just how unreal it was? People would say, especially in the U. Mind you, I was totally shocked it got on the radio. I went there to see what the Nicaraguan revolution looked like up close. When I got there I found myself very deeply moved by the things I was encountering. That experience changed the direction of the next couple of decades for me. Invitations came up — invitations for adventure, to Nepal, for instance.

Bruce Cockburn is touring Southern Ontario through Feb. January 27, The Vancouver Sun. Al Purdy Was Here. Who remembers Al Purdy? Produced, directed and co-written with Marni Jackson by Brian D. Purdy died in North Saanich, B. The film debuted at the Toronto International Film Festival, where it finished third in audience voting for the documentary category. A: Doing the music was the most exciting thing for me. I have spent time as a full-time musician on the road in the late seventies, early eighties.

It helped to have connections. And then months pass. And then we drove out to her farmhouse, and she basically performed it for the first time on her piano. That song 3 Al Purdys , again, just blew me away. Q: Another impressive moment is when we hear Leonard Cohen. I sent him a much more canonical poem, The Country North of Belleville, to read, thinking that would be historic. I though it sounded exactly like a Leonard Cohen poem. But sometimes the obvious thing is the best thing. Q: For someone just learning about Al Purdy, there are a lot of layers in the documentary.

People are going to come away with different aspects of the story in their heads. A: That was the biggest problem in making it, is that we had more than one story to tell. Ideally, you want one story. This was a bit of a balancing act. It was going to be more of a celebration of Purdy through contemporary poetry and music.

The documentaries that exist are all done with people interviewing Al Purdy. His version of his own life is very selective. So the element of biography got much bigger. I think the statue is the most popular thing in the film. It happened by a real quirk of circumstance. The Twitter voice. And interesting. I picked the tweets from years of tweets that the statue actually tweeted.

Whatever the statue sees that day is what gets tweeted by the mysterious voice of the statue. I just love the statue. Photo: Al Purdy at Robin Lake, January 21, Cornwall Standard-Freeholder. Cockburn performs at St. The St. Lawrence Acoustic Stage has brought the area some pretty big names and some fantastic talent, but none more so than their headliner on Feb.

But Bruce is so widely known as Canadian music royalty. We are hugely excited to have him in. The concert is already sold out and audiences are sure to be pleased with what Cockburn will be offering. The show will be a cross-section, which is typical of me. There are always a few of the ones that I feel like people pay the money to hear. Lovers in a Dangerous Time, Wondering Where the Lions Are, stuff like that tends to be in every show because people want that stuff. At least they appear to. Cockburn said he isn't quite sure what he is going to do at the concert just yet, but if anyone has seen him in concert the past couple of years it will be similar.

Cockburn said his daughter requested he include a song from the s, Free To Be, "which I haven't performed in at least 40 years," he said. When asked if his music has changed at all through his career, he said he prefers to think of it as growth or development. But there are a lot of other elements I have acquired, a certain amount of guitar techniques that I have acquired over the years.

There has been change and what I am doing right now, especially in a solo context, is going to sound more like the stuff from the early s than the stuff I did in the s. Cockburn said people familiar with his work with bands in songs like Lovers in a Dangerous Time, Tokyo, If I Had a Rocket Launcher and others that were on the radio, will see a difference in his show. Cockburn said he draws inspiration for his music from "life, the universe and everything.

It might just be something kind of geographical. But it all starts with this emotional response and then I think where does it go from here. Most of his other music can be applied to any place and time and they wouldn't seem out of place. Whitworth said everyone on the SLAS board has seen Cockburn perform at different points throughout his career in both large festival settings and more intimate venues.

Whitworth said the concert has been four years in the making, but schedules never seemed to line up until now. Cockburn said it is his first trip to Morrisburg and he is looking forward to it. But I think we will have a good time and I am looking forward to that. The setlist was the same both nights. World Of Wonders Bruce solo 2. All The Diamonds Bruce solo 4. I Saw Three Ships 6.

Lord Of The Starfields 7. Early On One Christmas Morn 9. Emanuel solo vocal by one of the female singers Sunrise On The Mississippi Bruce solo Lament For The Last Days Mary Had A Baby Shepherds original version Cry Of A Tiny Babe Les Anges Dans Nos Campagnes Joy Will Find A Way encore. I attended three of the eight UK shows this October. Bruce Cockburn brought with him three of his trusty instruments made by Linda Manzer all with interesting inlays in the headstocks.

The six string has a red-tailed hawk, the twelve string a round face, an image from the film, A Trip to the Moon, and an abalone shell in the ten string charango. The stage set-up included two small tables, one for the tuner and effects controls and on the other sat two apparently woolly toy sheep. One was painting the ceiling while the other painted the walls. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting? The 47th bus just went by. Tired of the other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos, they yearned for a place where they felt they actually belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new department Eventually the university agreed, and established the Blonde Education Department. The blondes were delighted to have a department of their own where they could meet without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. The next day she phoned the laundry detergent company to complain. Two blondes were playing golf on a foggy day. When they reached the green on a short par-3, they found that one ball was in the hole while the other was sitting about five feet from the flag.

So which of you was playing with the red ball?

To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds. How would you recognize him? Is that the best answer you can come up with? How would you recognise him? And think hard before giving me a stupid answer. The suspect wears contact lenses. The policeman was taken aback by her answer, partly because he had no idea whether the suspect wore contact lenses or not. The suspect does wear contact lenses. Great work! Tell me, how were you able to make such an astute observation? I put a mailbox in my car. Three blondes bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to try it for the first time.

The first blonde opened the can, and the second blonde poured it into three glasses. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. This time she thrashed about wildly and screamed with ecstasy. A few minutes later they climaxed simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, he fell onto his back, gasping for air. I Norwegian. What did the blonde say to the physicist? What do you use for bait? Why did the blonde roast a chicken for three and a half days?

Two blondes were waiting at a bus stop. Everyone was gone except his secretary — you know the one. And she just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number. The nurse asked. Three women — a blonde, a brunette and a redhead — worked in an office with the same female boss.

Each day the boss left work early, so finally the three decided that they would do the same. The brunette was thrilled to leave early so that she could get home and play with her baby son. The redhead was thrilled to leave early so that she could go to the gym. And the blonde was thrilled to leave early so that she could get home and surprise her husband. But when she got home she heard muffled noises coming from her bedroom. Slowly she opened the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.

Gently she closed the door and crept back out of the house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead said they were planning to leave early again and they asked the blonde whether she was going to do the same. A blonde walked into a bank to withdraw money. Two bowling teams — one all blondes, the other all brunettes — hired a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Denver.

The brunette team rode on the bottom deck of the bus while the blondes travelled on the top level. The brunette team were having a great time, laughing and joking, until one of them realized that it was totally silent upstairs where the blondes were sitting. So she decided to go upstairs and investigate. There, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and gripping the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

A blonde was summoned to appear as a witness in a court case. So the prosecution may ask the question. Turning to the witness stand, he asked. Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? A young ventriloquist touring the clubs stopped to entertain at a small town bar. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? One day the brunette was attending a large agricultural show when she spotted the ideal bull for the farm.

However the telegraph office charged one dollar per word, and the brunette discovered that she only had one dollar left. What did the blonde say to her swimming instructor? A blonde was driving along the highway when she was pulled over by a police patrol car. She immediately called the cops who sent the nearest patrol in the area, which happened to be a dog handler.

Seeing the cop and his dog approach the house, the blonde suddenly burst into tears. They send me a blind policeman! So she asked the attendant for a coat hanger in the hope of opening the car door that way. The attendant gave her a hanger and she took it outside. Ten minutes later, he went out to the car to see how she was doing. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits? A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were about to be consigned either to heaven or hell. They had to walk up one hundred stairs but on each stair God told a joke, and if they laughed they went to hell.

The brunette got as far as the 39th stair when she laughed and was sent straight to hell. The redhead reached the 81st stair when she, too, laughed and was sent to hell. The blonde got all the way to heaven but then she suddenly burst out laughing. Back in the old days in Texas, three people were travelling in a stagecoach: a true redblooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back east, and an elegant Texas lady. No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas! Then he started jacking off. Soon another girl did the same thing.

Confused, he kept walking. One of them has scratched out the phone number. A guy went into a whorehouse and said he wanted the best blow job money could buy. A few minutes later, the hooker came in and proceeded to suck him off. Afterwards, she reached under the bed, pulled out a jar and spat in it. The hooker happily gave him another blow job. Afterwards, she again pulled out the jar and spat in it. Intrigued, he asked her what the jar was for. Whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both. Two high school sweethearts promised to stay together forever but, when they went to different colleges hundreds of miles apart, her interest began to cool.

When he phoned her, she was never around: if he wrote love letters to her, she would take weeks to reply: even his urgent e-mails did not warrant an immediate response. Eventually she confessed that she wanted to see other guys. He took the news badly, and increased the number of calls, letters, and e-mails in an attempt to win her back. She felt harassed by this unwanted bombardment and, to convince him that it was time to move on, she took drastic action: she sent him a Polaroid of her giving her new boyfriend a blow job.

A salesman was on business in Las Vegas. One evening he got chatting to a woman in a bar and eventually realised that she was a hooker. Try to be more positive. No, I only hack from my work computer. The combination is the same as his birthdate. Sure, I banged his wife at the Christmas party.

I only forge his name on the important stuff. And so there I was, his daughter was on her knees. An old man was sitting on a beach when he spotted a beautiful young girl in a bikini. Get away from me before I call the police! Go away NOW! Oh, my God! The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, and when he begged her pardon, another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven. A woman wanted to have surgery to make her breasts bigger. Her husband was all in favour of the idea, but baulked at the cost. Her grandmother went mad.

You gotta let your rosebuds show! The next day the teenager came downstairs to find her granny sitting there with no top on. A flat-chested woman went shopping for a new bra. She was just about to give up when she stumbled across a small lingerie shop that was run by an elderly deaf lady. What is it you want? After a few weeks, God called on her in the Garden of Eden to make sure that she was having a good time.

I reckon two breasts would be enough.

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Is there anything you can do? You see, all the animals in the garden have a mate, but I have nobody. Is there any chance that you can create a mate for me? You do need a mate. I will create Man from a part of your body. Now, let me see. Where did I put that useless tit? Bush was invited to tea with the Queen. He asked her what her leadership philosophy was and she said that it was to surround herself with intelligent people. He asked her how she tested intelligence. Who is it? Rumsfeld immediately called a meeting of his senior advisers but, after poring over the puzzle for several hours, they were unable to come up with an answer.

In desperation he rang Colin Powell and explained his problem. I know who it is! Bush was visiting a fourth grade class at an elementary school. Bush create 14 million new jobs? George W. Bush was visiting famous Washington landmarks for inspiration. What do they really want? Bush was waiting in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long white flowing robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Bush keep his fly open? A stranger walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as George W.

Bush appeared on television. This time, a customer from the other end of the bar stood up, marched over to the stranger and shoved him off his stool. Bush went to a primary school to talk about the war in Iraq. At the end of his talk, he asked whether there were any questions. One little boy put up his hand. What is your question, Billy? Second, why were you elected President when Al Gore got more votes?

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And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Bush informed the children that they would continue the session after the break. When they resumed. Who has a question? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the bell for break go twenty minutes early? Fifth, what happened to Billy?

Bush went to the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.

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Waldo October 24th, Everything ages. Connecticut partial wood clock cases no movements - 2 Two : one with label of William Hickcox, Bridgewater, NY, c and a German modern wall clock CONDITION: the Hickcox case is more complete, although partly stripped of its veneer, with an interesting carved eagle splat, a decent inside label and old bell. A brave girl who often feels different than everyone else lives her life to the fullest anyway. Nissan had a market share of less than 1 percent as of May, data from the Society of Indian Automobile Manufacturers shows. They have your IP address The web server has to know where you are so that it can ship its web pages to you.

I thought everybody had two sides to their brain? They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most of the people on this planet are incredibly stupid. Take us back to where we started, please. People are idiots wherever you go! And boy, was that cabbie ever stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called home instead. One day she was driving along when a van pulled out in front of her, causing her to brake sharply.

And the radio switched automatically to George W. Bush and his driver were passing a farm when a pig suddenly jumped out into the road. He went to the farm to explain what had happened, and emerged five minutes later clutching a beer, a cigar and a stack of money. Seeing this. Bush and Tony Blair were sitting in a bar when another guest arrived and asked them what they were talking about. No one is going to ask about the Muslims. Your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros. Your favourite TV show is interrupted by a police chase.

You drive to any destination more than five minutes away on foot. Your co-worker says she has eight body piercings. You know someone named Freedom, Rainbow or Destiny. A really great parking space can move you to tears. Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer. How many Los Angeles Police Department officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member? An LA cop pulled over a car being driven by two black guys. No sooner had the driver wound down his window than the cop hit him across the face with his flashlight.

Got it? The officer checked the details before returning them to the driver. Just as the driver was about to wind up his window, the cop hit him again. The cop then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled down his window, the cop hit him over the head.

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Two little girls — Chelsea and Harley — were in the lunchroom of a Beverly Hills elementary school. Just missed it by half an hour! One guy was thrown through the windscreen and his buddy was sent hurtling down an embankment. The first was charged with breaking and entering, and the second was charged with leaving the scene of an accident. He had been travelling so long that he felt an urgent need to have sex. Since there were no women in the desert, he turned to his camel and tried to position himself to have sex with the animal, but the camel ran off.

The man ran as fast as he could in the blistering heat to catch the camel, climbed back on and they set off on their journey again. Soon the urge to have sex returned, so again he turned to his camel but the horrified beast ran off once more. He managed to catch it and together they continued their trek through the desert.

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Finally at the end of the vast wilderness, they came to a road and there in a broken down car were three beautiful, busty young blondes. The sex-starved man went over and asked the women if they needed any help. Then you take a big rock in each hand and smack his testicles between the rocks. CANADIANS Two guys who were best friends had both recently got divorced and the experience had left them so bitter that they vowed never to have anything to do with women again. To start a new life away from women, they decided to move up to the far north of Canada.

Two Canadian men were sitting around the house bored. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work. You own five pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightdress with only eight buttons. You think driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You have ten favourite recipes for moose meat. A guy was driving along the highway towards Edmonton when he spotted a pretty girl standing by the side of the road. As the driver slowed down to offer her a lift, a huge Canadian suddenly stepped out into the middle of the road and dragged him from the car. So for the third time the guy set about jerking himself off. He could just see the pretty girl beyond the car, but it took him twenty-five minutes to come, at the end of which he collapsed exhausted into the dirt.

The Canadian immediately hauled him to his feet. A young couple headed up to the wilds of Canada for a romantic weekend. The guy went off to chop wood but returned after twenty minutes, complaining that his hands were cold. A few minutes later he was back again, complaining that his hands were cold. Once more, she let him warm them between her thighs before he resumed his work in the forest. Five minutes later, he returned again. In Canada there are only two seasons — six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Seeing two dogs mating, an embarrassed Canadian teacher tried to explain it to her young students. What do you call a Canadian who moves to America and becomes an international celebrity through movies, music or sport? At the site of a plane crash deep in a wooded valley, the lone survivor sat chewing on a bone.

As he tossed it onto a huge pile of bones, the rescue team arrived. Instead their eyes were fixed in horror at the pile of human bones beside this solitary survivor. It was clear that he had eaten all his fellow passengers. I had to eat. Is it so wrong to want to live? For six months there were no problems, but then their boss called them into his office and told them that an office cleaner had gone missing. As obvious suspects, the cannibals were sacked on the spot.

Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, lit a huge fire beneath it, and left them to boil. After a few minutes, one of the missionaries began to laugh uncontrollably. What could possibly be funny at a time like this? CATS You are putting up shelves. Told that he was being transferred to Chicago, a Seattle office worker said he would rather quit his job than move there.

I myself worked in Chicago for ten years, and in all that time I never had a problem with crime. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week. Put that ice cream away, and go and play. What do you want to play? You go upstairs and lie on the bed. The birthday boy was so rich that he had his own swimming pool and all the kids went in.

A young boy came home from school with a sofa slung across his back and carrying two armchairs. Meanwhile downstairs the mother, while preparing the turkey, also cut herself. Once again the kid asked what the word meant, and the mother pretended that it was her word for stuffing the turkey. Moments later, the doorbell rang. A woman saw a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette and taking swigs from a bottle of scotch. When the young man entered the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking he was in prayer, he decided to follow his example and knelt at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. After sex, he suddenly ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed, climbed out the other side and started screwing her again. This happened four times. During the fifth encore, the hooker was so impressed by his stamina that she decided to try his routine for herself.

So when he had finished, she ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed. A garbage collector was going along the street emptying the wheelie bins. Eventually a Chinese man answered the door breathlessly. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Chinese man? A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked the eldest daughter what kind of man she wanted to marry. The evening went so well that at the end of it, much to her surprise, the client asked her to marry him. So she tried to think of a way of dissuading the little man from wanting to marry her.

First, I want my engagement ring to have a huge diamond with a matching diamond tiara. I buy. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of champagne country in France. I build. Finally, shaking his head in despair, he said to the woman. I cut. At the end of the day, the boss returned to check on their work.

Santa then went through his books to make sure they were right up to date, for he knew that the examiner would be extremely thorough. On arrival, the examiner walked slowly around the sleigh. Santa got in to the sleigh, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. All the reindeer were in position. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. The preacher gripped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared silently at the ceiling.

Both the banker and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher should ask them to be with him during his final moments. But they were also puzzled. For the preacher had never previously given any indication that he particularly liked either of them. Indeed they remembered how his many long sermons about greed made them squirm uncomfortably in their seats. It was such a damn fine sermon!

I cannot have you behaving this way in church. Did you hear about the guy who told jokes about religion? A man was hit by a bus in a busy street in New York City. As he lay dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of onlookers gathered around. Then out of the crowd stepped an elderly man. Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.

The old man. Nobody has ever been hanged, tortured, or burned at the stake over his particular brand of beer. No one will kill you for not drinking beer. Beer does not tell you when or how to have sex. You can prove you have a beer. You can switch your brand of beer whenever you want without losing your beerdrinking friends. If you have devoted your entire life to beer, there are groups you can join to help you stop. A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you all and tell me why they have been peddling such malicious lies. How could you say such things about me? All I did was tell my friend you were a wizard beneath the sheets!

Whatever word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes into your head. Everyone was in shock. They all shifted uncomfortably in their seats, glancing at each other, afraid to say anything. When he arrived there, the Devil greeted him and offered him three ways to spend eternity. At the first door the Devil showed him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire raging beneath him. So they moved on to the third door.

Behind it was Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blow job. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican? In an ambassadorial role, former President Clinton met the Pope for an international summit. Their meeting was supposed to last for an hour, but instead it went on for two days. Looking tired and dismayed, he declared that the meeting with the former President had been a. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the River Jordan, looking across at the Promised Land.

You will sink only in accordance with your sins on Earth. The more you have sinned, the deeper into the water you will sink. Fearing that his sins were catching up with him, he inched precariously across the river but, against all the odds, he managed to reach the other side. As he did so, he turned around to see how the others were doing. You must promise never to look in it. Hillary intended keeping quiet about her discovery, but eventually she came clean and confessed to looking in the box. After thirty years of living in suspense, I simply had to know what was in the box.

But tell me, Bill, why do you keep empty beer cans in there? Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again. Spit out your gum — I want to play President. The three worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment because they were aware that it should have the same majesty and dignity as the other ten.

Bill is going to die a horrible death. Will I be acquitted? What bad things have you done in your life? The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.

Although only too aware that an important part of himself was missing, he resolved to make a fresh start and, spotting a clothes shop, decided to go in. Tom tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. Why not? How did you know? Tom tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Tom tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly.

I got you!